Apr 14 20
On Saturday we had a bit of a rough time — something like a centripetal collapsing of our own specificity occurred. The setup was such that upon waking we were possessed with a desire to clean, like clean everything, the backsides of cabinet handles, the nether corners of closets, the insides of lamp shades. There was an involuntary momentum, of which the end bate was expected catharsis (piddly, immediate control). This is typical enough behavior during “difficult times” except from the beginning, there were growing, resistant and thorny thoughts. Dealing with the topical, trolling generality of the exterior world is something we can handle, but these dark sentiments were coming from inside. It all reached a crescendo about mid-day. Perhaps unwisely we had put on Lou Reed’s death-centric Magic & Loss (the preceding albums were Lush’s Spooky and Ride’s Nowhere so this wasn’t out of left field era-wise). In any case, about a couple of songs into the first side we sat down at the kitchen table, absently looking out the window. The song that was playing “The Sword of Damocles.” Suddenly we were flooded with horrible thoughts. One in particular was of a close friend who died when we were in college. We started to think about where he was and what he was (like physically) at that moment; he wasn’t cremated. We cried a little — but stopped. We gazed at the grayness outside feeling like we were indulging. We decided to meditate. Last week we talked about our meditating habits and the desire to devise a new ritual for ourselves. We haven’t made any headway with the ritual but the belief in meditating is as strong. When we sat that afternoon it didn’t make us feel better, but it did make us feel more substantial. After we came up with some notes for ourself:
When you sit try to convince yourself that this is it, that you are going to sit forever, like a pharaoh that’s died and already entombed.
Focus on an emptiness (no news, no history, no time).
The emptiness should neither be a horrific void nor a transcendent light.
It helps to orient by thinking of a moment of deep sadness countered with a moment when there was no judgment only warmth.
Lastly think of a rock in a remote desert and the winds blowing on Callisto and listen to your breath.
When you sit try to convince yourself that this is it, that you are going to sit forever, like a pharaoh that’s died and already entombed.
Focus on an emptiness (no news, no history, no time).
The emptiness should neither be a horrific void nor a transcendent light.
It helps to orient by thinking of a moment of deep sadness countered with a moment when there was no judgment only warmth.
Lastly think of a rock in a remote desert and the winds blowing on Callisto and listen to your breath.